How to Kill your wife!

A Jew came to the rabbi of his town with a problem. "I don't know what to do. I really hate my wife. It seems like she is always doing things to aggravate me." In shame, the man continued, "Sometimes I even think of killing her!"

The wise rabbi looked at the man pensively. "How long have you felt this way?"

"Almost since the time we married," replied the man. "It wasn't so bad at first. But when she irritated me, I found it impossible to behave nicely or civilly toward her. And now, I dream of being rid of her forever."

The rabbi stroked his beard and then said, "You know, there is a way you can kill her without even being held responsible!"

The man's eyes opened wide. Never had he expected the rabbi to be an accomplice, but he needed all the help he could get. "Tell me, rabbi, what can I do?"

"Well," explained the rabbi to the simple man, "the Midrash tells us that if a man pledges a large sum of money to charity and doesn't pay it, his punishment will be that his wife will die. All you need to do is pledge a large sum of money to the shul and not pay it! Within a year, I assure you, your wife will be dead."

The man was overjoyed with his good fortune of having such an understanding and wise rabbi.

"But," added the rabbi, "You wouldn't want anyone to think that you are not paying the pledge intentionally to kill your wife. You wouldn't want G-d to think that either, would you?"

The man nodded his head. "What should I do, rabbi?"

"Well," began the rabbi. "For starters, you must treat your wife exceptionally well for the next few months."

The man was horrified. "Rabbi, I don't even treat my wife a little bit nicely because, as I told you, I can't stand her. And now, you want me to behave exceptionally kindly toward her?"

"It's the least you can do so that people don't think you're killing her intentionally, isn't it?"

The man nodded and the rabbi continued. "First, buy her a new dress. How long has it been since she's gotten a new dress?"

The man acknowledged that his wife hadn't gotten a new dress since they were married seven years previously. "And also," the rabbi continued, "make sure to give her a little spending money."

The man rolled his eyes. "She always complains that she doesn't have enough money to make good meals. But I know it's just an excuse to upset me!"

The rabbi smiled and added, "Say something nice to her once in a while. Even compliment her in public, just so that people will think you really like her, of course," the rabbi added conspiratorally.

The man left the rabbi's study beaming. He immediately made a large pledge to a charitable organization and began counting the hours until he'd be rid of his wife. He did follow the rabbi's advice, though, and went out to buy his wife a new dress. She, of course, could not understand her husband's change of heart. When he also gave her some "pocket money," she went to the market and purchased some nice fruits and vegetables, even a bit of meat. She prepared a delicious meal to show her appreciation.

Weeks passed, with the man marking off the days on his calendar and simultaneously behaving decently, for once, toward his wife.

At the end of two months, the man stopped marking his calendar. He and his wife were happier than they had ever been during their entire marriage. The more pleasant the husband was, the more he complimented his wife and tried to help her, the more she tried to please him in every way.

After a half year had passed, the husband had totally forgotten about his little conversation and "arrangement" with the rabbi. It wasn't until the year was nearly up, when he remembered about the pledge and the repercussions if it wasn't paid. He immediately ran to the rabbi.

"Rabbi, the year is nearly up and I still haven't paid the pledge," the man said frantically.

"Nu," said the rabbi. "Soon you will have peace and quiet. What are you worried about?"

"You don't understand, rabbi. I love my wife. She is the most wonderful person in the world. She can never do enough to please me and I get such pleasure from doing things that make her happy. I don't want her to die!"

"Oh my, that is a problem," replied the rabbi. "Your only choice then, is to pay the pledge."

"But Rabbi, I pledged an huge sum, something I could never possibly pay!"

"You must borrow the money then, and pay it out little by little. I will even give you a note of recommendation to some free-loan funds," offered the rabbi. "After all, it is a matter of life and death!"

"I don't know how I can ever thank you," the relieved husband told the rabbi. "Certainly that my wife should remain alive is worth all the money in the world!"

The man borrowed the money to pay the pledge. Every month he paid back a little of the money he borrowed and they lived happily ever after.